Annual Kumiko Day May 18, 2008

          Today is the remembrance day of my Japanese Akita (dog), Kumiko. No, she isn’t dead, but I will still write about her in past tense. Exactly one year, 3 hours, and 37 seconds ago, I had to give her away because I was moving into an apartment complex that doesn’t allow dogs, thus resulting [...]

Miami Vice (President) April 27, 2008

My life has been consumed by busy-ness, lately. As a candidate for a position on ASB, a weekend that should have been filled with shananigans was replaced with poster-making. I met my friends/campaign recruits in front of a public library. We spread ourselves out on the lawn, surrounding ourselves with colorful pipe cleaner, leopard print tissue paper, [...]

White and Tight April 15, 2008

In a world of artificial bronzers and orange skin, I think it’s attractive for women to be pale (but don’t be discouraged, ethnic people). When you think about it, having milky white skin goes hand-in-hand with the phrase “milk jugs,” which would go jug-in-hand with lovers. Milk is also good for the “bones” with the lovers. Sometimes you just [...]

The Retarded Prince April 15, 2008

          There once was a retarded boy who would grow up to rule France. You might be wondering: “What’s the deal? Why was the heir to the French throne retarded?”
 

 
          Well, his parents, the King and Queen of France, hadn’t created an heir yet. The King’s brother, Laurence (who wasn’t in line to the throne), [...]

Melanin Melanie April 13, 2008

            I once knew a Latina named Melanie Banderas. Antonio Banderas was her favorite actor/sex symbol, so she had changed her last name in an attempt to pretend that Antonio was her papi chulo. She inhabited Miami and worked at a tanning salon. Ironically, she was also an albino.
 

 
          Melanie was insecure about her albinism. [...]

Sexy Political Leader Alert! April 12, 2008

It seems like Eliot Spitzer has introduced America to political leaders with a sexy side (or at least a new generation). This phenomena is spreading like chlamydia (or might literally be spreading chlamydia), ensuring everyone that politicians get dirty too. This erotic epidemic that prominently populated New York (displayed by Spitzer and that new Governor [...]

Why Kim Kardashian is Unspoonable April 11, 2008

                                              
If you aspire to be in her next “tape,” then by all means, go ahead. Just don’t spoon her afterwards. Here’s why:
1. She’s too bootylicious (allusion to big butt buddy, Beyonce). Her spoon overfloweth. You would need 3 people to get behind her, which would still be uncomfortable.
2. Let’s say, hypothetically, that Kim tosses [...]

My Motrin Mind April 9, 2008

                           
2:34 PM Sunday. It’s the eve of my first day back to school from my absence that was due to an injury. I had been punched in the face by my boyfriend because I accidentally taped over some football game with rare and exotic episodes of Saved By the Bell. He had been [...]

The Creation of HIV April 9, 2008

            Although Jesus has yet to have the Second Coming, many people are unaware that Moses already had his in the mid 80’s. During this sextravagant decade, God was horrified to see his earthling children become sexually explicit, especially in a homosexual manner. His solution was to absolve these sexy sinners with a personalized “gay [...]

Seacrest is Nar-sex-tic April 9, 2008

                           
I have a beef with the testosterone levels of Ryan Seacrest’s beef. In terms of a different region of anatomy (the bowels), he needs to stop thinking he’s hot shit. He has a holier-than-thou attitude, but I’m sure the holiest thing he’s done is get into missionary position (with himself). In other words, he can [...]