There once was a retarded boy who would grow up to rule France. You might be wondering: “What’s the deal? Why was the heir to the French throne retarded?”
Well, his parents, the King and Queen of France, hadn’t created an heir yet. The King’s brother, Laurence (who wasn’t in line to the throne), had already conceived a child with his wife. It would be a royal embarrassment for Laurence’s son to be born before the French heir. To protect his reputation, the King had unprotected sex with the Queen every night (even though he was gay). The trouble was that they couldn’t conceive a child until five months after Laurence’s child was conceived.
Four months later, the King’s sister-in-law, Agatha, was ready to pop out her kid. In a panic, the Queen was forced to birth her child 5 months earlier than recommended, by sea-section. Hurriedly carved out of her stomach like a Jack-O-Lantern, the baby was born only a minute before Agatha’s child. The little heir turned out to be a girl, which complicated things because the child was supposed to be a boy. Luckily, the girl was a hermaphrodite with high testosterone levels, so all the doctors had to do was attach a penis to her. Now the child was a boy, so the Queen named him Jack, after her surgery. Despite the damage done to her kid, the Queen was relieved to know that her husband’s reputation was secure.
Upon further examination, the doctors noticed defects of the baby due to the early birth and penis attachment surgery. Jack was dubbed “intellectually disabled” (this is the politically correct phrase; the doctors actually referred to Jack as a mongoloid). Thus, the retarded heir to the French throne was born.
. . .
The King died when Jack turned 15 (and mentally 3), presenting Jack with the seat at the throne. The King was assassinated by one of the clowns hired to perform at Jack’s quinceanera. As a result, King Jack gained a mortal fear of clowns and instituted mimes as the preferred French entertainer. During his rule, Jack ordered that French citizens should smoke and wear berets. He also ensured that France will bitch out whenever noble America needs their royal-pain-in-the-ass help. Jack died at the age of 30 (mentally 6), choking on a French fry. He left France in bankruptcy from his extravagant budget on attending operas. He had no children (because he couldn’t get it up whenever he hired potential French Queens), so France was forced to become a democracy. King Jack’s legacy lives on, though, explaining why France is still retarded to this day.
