Today is the remembrance day of my Japanese Akita (dog), Kumiko. No, she isn’t dead, but I will still write about her in past tense. Exactly one year, 3 hours, and 37 seconds ago, I had to give her away because I was moving into an apartment complex that doesn’t allow dogs, thus resulting in my separation anxiety complex. And that’s weird because usually it’s the dogs that have separation anxiety. Sometimes – about 20 to 30 minutes after I drive by Kumiko’s new home – I’ll find myself chewing/scratching at doors, howling/barking, and/or urinating/defecating on the floor. To help cope with this problem, I constructed a shrine in her honor; recently, however, I peed all over it in the midst of my distress (and marked my territory).
Kumiko was a wonderful dog. She was not so much an animal as she was a loving entity inside of a dog body. She had a very moist tongue, so that her licks grazed smooth against the skin. She had slanted Asian eyes (as she was a Japanese Akita). Her fur, however, was not yellow; it was snow white (and a bitch to bleach whenever she rolled in the mud). Her teeth were perfectly intact due to her doggie braces and weekly whitening appointments with Dr. Yakimoto (we got a discount because he was Japanese too). Akitas have curly tails, so Kumiko’s tail looked like a cinnamon roll covered in powdered sugar.
She was very beautiful and popular with the man-dogs (“man” and “dog” are synonyms). Whenever one courted her by sniffing her butt, she’d politely turn him down by extending the curl of her tail to cover her butt. There was only one male in her life: Longo, a long Dachshund. Even though Longo was about 2 feet shorter than Kumiko, he’d grab unto her waist with his sausage-like legs and hump her with his “wiener dog.” I thought that was bad enough, but then Kumiko (a girl) would hump Longo (a guy). This was awkward – not only because the female was doing the humping – but because her long, thin legs would violently smother Longo and then her lower region would capsize him. I have to admit, she had weird doggie sex. Fortunately, Kumiko was spayed.
Kumiko was very glamorous. She would have been a prize-winning show dog if she hadn’t been in heat (a doggie period) during the week of Nationals. One time, she was in a Japanese film about the murder of O.J. Simpson’s wife, Nicole Brown. Kumiko played Nicole’s dog, Kato. Apparently Kato actually stepped in the puddle of Nicole’s blood and ran to the house next door, which alarmed the neighbors of Nicole’s murder. In that case, Kumiko was red handed (or pawed). No, she didn’t commit any crimes; her paws were literally painted red. I guess she was guilty of being a damn good actress, though.
Of Kumiko’s few oddities, she would only answer to me if I wore bunny ears. Bunny ears were the equivalent of a safeword for Kumiko. I know “safeword” implies something sexy, but I just mean that she got vicious whenever I played fetch with her and bunny ears were the only thing that saved me. Kumiko was a total dominatrix, though. For Halloween last year, she wore this leather doggie dress that was covered in chains. Her mouth was covered with a leather muzzle; however, she held a whip through one of the holes in her muzzle.
When I moved into my apartment, I ended up giving Kumiko up to an agency. No, not a modeling agency, but a dog adoption agency. I have to admit, it was a very lavish agency. It was located near the beach in San Diego, so that the dogs could swim/build sandcastles/wear dog bikinis in/by the ocean. It was ironic that the agency was exclusive to Japanese Akitas, yet it was full of Greek embellishments. The entrance was stacked with columns and displayed friezes of dogs with angel wings to indicate that it was a dog agency. The backyard contained various pottery with dogs painted on them. Instead of having sculptures that were chiseled to sculpt the chiseled bodies of naked humans, the agency had sculptures of dogs standing on their hind legs, revealing doggie private parts. There were Greek wall paintings of dogs being fanned, fed grapes, and having their poop picked up by humans. Later on, I discovered that the owner of the agency was a cult leader that believed in a certain type of Greek mythology: “Dog-god” (that’s a palindrome, a word that reads the same in either direction; which is a Greek word) mythology, the belief that dogs are gods.
Kumiko is happy now, because she got adopted by Kim Kardashian. That’s kind of ironic, though, because Kumiko played Nicole Simpson’s dog, yet Kim’s dad was O.J. Simpson’s lawyer in the trial of Nicole’s murder. Anyways, Kumiko clubs with Paris Hilton’s infamous dog, Tinkerbell. I’m kind of bitter because while she’s doing lavish doggie snuff with socialites, I’m stuck in this stuffy (not snuffy), drug free apartment. Oh Kumiko, whatta bitch (dog).
